Parenting is a unique journey filled with a myriad of experiences. The way each caregiver parents is shaped by a wide range of influences: advice from friends and family members (both solicited and unsolicited), learned behavior from our childhood experiences of being parented, along with personal research from countless sources (from parenting books to social media). Regardless of how unique each parenting journey is, the following four parenting myths continue to show up over and over again in my practice as a psychologist. Let’s examine them!
1. Myth: Good kids don’t have tantrums.
Fact: Tantrums are developmentally normal. The number one reason parents fall into cycles of power struggles is fear – fear of the tantrum itself. We become so uncomfortable in the presence of big emotions that we want to stop them at all costs. A child is often labelled as “bad” when they display big emotions, while a child who complies without expressing big feelings is labelled as “good.” When we try to suppress our child’s emotions because of our own discomfort, we end up dismissing and minimizing feelings, ignoring cues, and letting boundaries slide.
Brain science explains that, in the presence of an overwhelming stimulus, a tantrum is the result of an active “feeling brain” (amygdala and limbic system) and an underdeveloped “thinking brain” (prefrontal cortex). In other words, a tantrum does not make your child bad. It is their developmental way of communicating that they cannot cope with a big feeling and need our guidance and support. Caregivers who understand this are more likely to remain calm during tantrums, which in turn ignites a process called co-regulation. Through mirror neurons, the child’s nervous system is invited to regulate alongside the caregiver.
2. Myth: Kids should know the difference between a big problem and a small problem.
Fact: Kids are often encountering problems for the first time, and what may seem small to us can feel like the biggest crisis they have ever experienced – even if it is “just” losing their favorite spoon.
I was once at a birthday party when a little girl ran over to a group of adults in tears, exclaiming, “Mom! He’s not letting me use the hula hoop!” Her mother calmly replied, “Is this a big problem or a small problem?” The little girl lowered her head, looked confused, and walked away. Although this response sounds logical, it can be problematic. It sends the message that “your feelings don’t make sense” and misses an opportunity to teach problem-solving skills.
A more supportive response might have been: “It sounds like you really want to use the hula hoop. You can say,’I’d like a turn when you’re finished.’ You may need to wait a few minutes, and I’m here to help.” Validation paired with problem-solving supports emotional regulation. With consistent support, children gradually learn how to distinguish between small and big problems in a meaningful way.
3. Myth: My child is manipulating me.
Fact: Kids are indeed master manipulators, but not in the negative way often implied. To manipulate means to shift something to achieve a result. Children are wired to manipulate objects, environments, and their own behaviors as a way of exploring cause and effect. They are constantly running experiments: shaping playdough into a snake, turning a chair into a step stool to reach a cookie jar, or crying to see if it changes your response.
What they cannot do is manipulate people in a calculated, strategic way. That requires impulse control, abstract thinking, and perspective-taking – all skills that are still developing. The powerful part is that you, as the adult, often get to choose the outcome of these experiments. You can give the reaction they are hoping for in order to stop the behavior, or you can allow the feelings while still upholding the boundary. Big feelings are okay; unsafe behaviors are not.
4. Myth: My child should value the same things that I do.
Fact: Kids are developmentally egocentric. This does not mean they are selfish. It means their brains are wired to centre their own experiences, interests, and motivations.
“I don’t get it. I’m tired of sounding like a broken record. He knows his chore is to empty the dishwasher. It’s like he avoids it just to annoy me.”
I hear versions of this from exhausted parents all the time. The truth is that avoiding chores is not about disrespect. It is about development. Cleaning up is not instinct. Play and personal interests are. Children also struggle to delay gratification; their brains are wired to seek immediate reward rather than long-term payoff. The value of things like clean spaces or finishing schoolwork on time must be taught through modelling, consistency, and support. Sometimes, children need external motivation while internal values are still developing. Our job is not to make them care right away. It is to keep teaching them how to build values over time.
When we let go of these common myths, we create space to see our children for who they really are: developing humans with growing brains, not miniature adults with bad intentions. Behavior is communication, and when we learn to listen with curiosity instead of fear, we become more effective and more compassionate guides.
Joanna (Registered Psychologist and Child Mental Health Advocate) and Lara (Learning and Design Specialist) started Psyched About Kids (PAK) in 2016 because they are obsessed with human potential! PAK empowers parents with science-backed knowledge, strategies and tools to solve our most pressing parenting issues today and make life a little easier, along with ongoing support to implement the desired change. Small actions over time can have an unimaginable impact on child growth and development for lifelong health and wellness. Learn more at psychedaboutkids.com.
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One of the main reasons that parents connect with me for parenting support is that their child has stopped listening. If you are reading this article, you are not alone! It usually comes down to one basic thing: children don’t listen because we have taught them to ignore us the first time we ask.
“I just want him to have fewer tantrums.”
“Her outbursts last forever, and I don’t know how to calm her down.”
“He freaks out over the smallest things.”
They say there are no silly questions. They are wrong. There are, in fact, many silly questions. I know because I ask them more often than Kim Kardashian posts a selfie. In the spirit of conscious parenting and minimizing the urge to stab myself with a LEGO brick, I’ve composed a list of silly questions to stop asking my kids.
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