“I just want him to have fewer tantrums.”
“Her outbursts last forever, and I don’t know how to calm her down.”
“He freaks out over the smallest things.”
These are common sentiments heard during initial parent consultations. As a child and family psychologist in private practice, the most frequent goal we encounter in treatment plans for children and adolescents is “improving emotional regulation” – it has truly become a buzzword among parents. But what does it really mean to improve emotional regulation?
According to Positive Psychology, emotional regulation is “the process of managing emotions to maintain balance and respond appropriately to challenges,” and it is a far more nuanced and complex process than most caregivers realize. It involves a combination of several interconnected skills:
1. Acceptance of all feelings; 2. Identification of
feelings; and 3. Management of big feelings.
Let’s break these components down:
1. Acceptance of all feelings. As a society, we celebrate comfortable emotions like happiness, pride, excitement, and amusement. But uncomfortable emotions such as anger, sadness, worry, and frustration are often labeled as “negative.” Healthy emotional identification starts with an important reframe: there are no negative emotions, just negative ways of expressing uncomfortable ones. You don’t need to fear the tantrum! Instead of shutting down these emotions, we want to acknowledge and validate them. Phrases like “big kids don’t cry” or “don’t be a baby” can be detrimental to building this foundational skill. They may lead to avoidance rather than acceptance of uncomfortable feelings. It’s important to remember that if a child is not allowed to feel an emotion, they won’t be able to manage it.
2. Identification of feelings. When it comes to emotional regulation, Dr. Dan Siegel, renowned neuroscientist and author of The Whole Brain Child said it best: “You need to name it to tame it.” Identification of feelings is another essential skill. As a caregiver, the best way to foster this skill is to name and validate a variety of feelings throughout the day – yours, theirs and those of others. You can do this as you navigate your normal routines, through books, and even the TV shows your child is watching. For example, “You’re worried he’s going to get lost,” “They are sad that we need to stop playing with the toys,“ or “I’m frustrated that it’s so loud in here.” Once a child can identify what they are feeling, the next step is learning how to express and manage those emotions.
3. Management of big feelings. The way you cope with your big feelings becomes the way your child copes with theirs. Powerful statement, isn’t it? Take a moment to reflect on how you regulate your emotions when you’re upset or angry: do you yell? Slam doors? Withdraw and go silent? Use hurtful or humiliating words? Or are you able to communicate that you’re taking a break and using calming strategies? Regulation strategies, or “chill skills” as we like to call them with the little ones, are not a one-size-fits-all.
Preference varies from person to person and evolves with each age and stage of development. Common “chill skills” include deep breathing, deep pressure (like hugs or hand squeezes), using a comfort item (a blanket or stuffed animal), taking a sip of water, or going to a calm, safe space. One important note: trying to teach or direct your child to use these strategies during a tantrum is unlikely to work and may even escalate the situation. Instead, practice these skills proactively – every single day and when your child is calm. You can simply incorporate a brief “chill skills practice” into your morning or bedtime routine. With consistency, you’ll begin to notice a significant difference in how quickly and effectively your child starts to regulate.
Of course, we can’t forget the process of co-regulation. During infancy and toddlerhood, children don’t yet understand what regulation strategies are, or how to use them. They learn through you. Co-regulation happens when your child experiences a tantrum, outburst, or big emotions and you model the calm. When your child observes your regulation, it activates mirror neurons in their brain, helping them to regulate alongside you. You’re essentially sharing your calm with them. Pretty incredible, right? Ultimately, the management of big feelings starts and ends with you. That’s a big responsibility, but also a beautiful opportunity to teach empathy, and self-awareness.
Helping children develop emotional regulation is not about eliminating big feelings. It’s about equipping them to handle those feelings in healthy ways. When caregivers model acceptance, label emotions, and practice “chill skills,” children build emotional literacy for life.
Joanna and Lara (Registered Psychologist and Child Mental Health Advocate) started Psyched About Kids (PAK) in 2016 because they are obsessed with human potential! PAK empowers parents with science-backed knowledge, strategies and tools to solve our most pressing parenting issues today and make life a little easier, along with ongoing support to implement the desired change. Small actions over time can have an unimaginable impact on child growth and development for lifelong health and wellness. Learn more at psychedaboutkids.com.
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