One of the main reasons that parents connect with me for parenting support is that their child has stopped listening. If you are reading this article, you are not alone! It usually comes down to one basic thing: children don’t listen because we have taught them to ignore us the first time we ask.
Kids learn quickly that if they don’t listen, a parent will repeat, nag, beg, suggest, wish, and, finally, let them know when they really do have to pay attention.
The signal that it’s time to listen may be:
A) a change in tone,
B) a change in volume,
C) a change in blood pressure (face redness), or
D) all of the above.
Perhaps kids know it’s time when the shouting starts or when we pick them up and move them because we are feeling embarrassed or disrespected.
The same scenario plays out over and over again.
We feel frustrated, disrespected, or disappointed that they don’t listen the first time. We hope and pray that this will be the day they gain respect for us and finally do as they are told the first time. Each time, our hopes are dashed, and we remember the time when we listened to our parents’ every word (or did we?).
Four steps to getting kids to listen the first time:
1. Ideally, we get close to our child before we ever give them an instruction.
2. Make sure that we have their attention first.
3. Give the instruction once.
4. Make sure that they follow through with what we asked.
Let’s go into more detail:
Step 1. Before we ever give an instruction, we need to be close to our child.
Often, when we want our children to listen, we are talking to them from another room in the house, possibly on another floor or out of our reach or sight. They may not hear us the first time, or they can at least pretend to not hear us. If they hear us but we can’t touch them, they may play the “make me” game where they suddenly decide a game of chase would be more fun than complying.
It does take a bit more work and forethought to be close by, but it won’t be this way forever and the compliance will make it worth it.
Step 2. When we are right beside them, we need to be sure they are listening. A gentle rub of the elbow or tap on the shoulder can also draw their attention. If they are zoned in on a toy, a book, or a screen, we need to get their attention first before we give them an instruction to be sure they hear it the first time.
Step 3. Look them in the eyes and give the instruction. Ask them to repeat what we need them to do.
Step 4. If they don’t follow the instruction, we can help them to follow it because we are right there.
Some examples might be:
“Buddy, it’s time for dinner; are you going to turn off the TV, or am I?”
“Jane, the toy truck needs to go on the floor – do you need my help, or can you do it yourself?”
“Mike, the clock says it is toothbrushing time. Are you going to the bathroom on your own or are we walking holding hands? Looks like your body needs me to get you to the sink. Here we go. I know you don’t like brushing teeth; we can get it done as quickly as possible.”
Being close to our child minimizes the need to yell and because we can follow through easily, knowing that they are “choosing to have our help” if they don’t comply, we don’t end up asking many times in a row. They learn that we mean what we say when we say it the first time.
As with any change in discipline, you won’t get it right 100 percent of the time and neither will they. However, making a move to a new way of interacting pays off, and eventually you will be able to call from another room.
When the whole thing starts to slip; and it will from time to time; check yourself and make sure that your behavior is teaching your child to listen.
NOTE 1. The hardest part of this is holding your instruction in your mouth while you go to the child so that you only say it once.
NOTE 2. If you have an infant and a toddler, you will want to give instructions to the toddler while you are changing the infant's diaper. It likely won’t work and you will feel more frustrated because your toddler didn’t do what you asked. Please wait until the diaper is changed and then use steps one to four with the toddler.
Author, blogger, podcast host, and parenting expert, Julie Freedman Smith has been supporting parents across North America for 20 years. Through her company JFS Parent Education, she helps parents find relief from their everyday parenting challenges. Want to know how she can help you? Email her today:
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