“Hannah said she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore!” cried eight-year-old Lilly, bursting into the house with her face buried in her hands. She had just come home from a playdate.
My friend glanced at me, perplexed. “This happens all the time,” she sighed. “One day they’re inseparable, the next they’re fighting. You’re the psychologist – what do I do?”
As uncomfortable as it is to witness, peer conflict is both inevitable and essential to a child’s social development. Disagreements and misunderstandings help children build the skills they need to form healthy relationships – like empathy, communication, and problem-solving.
Peer interactions follow a child’s developmental progression. In toddlerhood, play is mostly egocentric: a child finds a toy and plays with it independently. When another toddler wants the same toy, conflict arises. At this stage, adults can often resolve issues by redirecting attention or teaching foundational skills like sharing and turn-taking.
Play evolves as children grow. Preschoolers often engage in parallel play – playing side-by-side while observing and mimicking each other. Eventually, they move into interactive play, where sharing ideas and interests take centre stage. With this shift comes a new layer of complexity: Differing opinions and competing ideas. Friends may take sides, try to mediate, or even become isolated.
So, how can caregivers support children through peer conflict? Consider how you approach conflict yourself: You likely need time to regulate your emotions, reflect on the situation and perspectives involved, set boundaries, and seek solutions. Children go through a similar process, but their conflicts are usually simpler and their skills still developing.
The big question is: When should you get involved? It’s natural to want to protect your child and run in to fix the problem right away. But should you let them sort things out on their own? There is no clear-cut answer here. It depends on the situation. You should always intervene if you suspect bullying, risk of harm, or signs that your child’s mental health is suffering. These may include changes in sleep or appetite, withdrawal from social activities, or increased anxiety and sadness.
Children between ages three and nine often need support with emotional regulation, perspective-taking, setting boundaries, and making repairs. As they grow older, it’s usually best to give them space to try resolving issues independently, unless there’s clear emotional or physical harm.
For preteens and teens, being a safe space for reflection is often more helpful than offering unsolicited advice, which can increase tension. If you’re unsure whether to intervene, simply ask them: “Do you want me to listen, or do you need my help?”
So, what strategies did my friend use to help Lilly navigate her situation? Here’s the sequence she used:
1. Validate and regulate emotions. Validation and checking in are key. Sometimes children need you to co-regulate – by modelling calm, you help them settle more quickly. Other times, they want space to regulate on their own and honoring that choice is just as important.
2. Listen and offer perspective. The ability to reflect on others’ thoughts and feelings is a skill known as reflective function – it develops gradually, continuing well into our twenties. Children need practice to build this skill, and you can help by guiding them through reflection. Start by helping your child summarize the problem, explore what they were thinking and feeling, and consider what their friend might have been experiencing too. This kind of reflection helps children build empathy and understand how their words and actions affect others.
3. Help set boundaries (if needed). These will differ depending on the situation. As an example, neither child should insult the other’s favorite activities.
4. Support the repair. Facilitating repair often involves brainstorming solutions, such as apologizing, compromising, or taking a break from each other.
This process will look different for every unique child, age and stage of development, and situation. When caregivers approach peer conflict with patience and guidance, children develop the confidence and skills to handle challenges, build their ability to empathize, and strengthen friendships. This lays the foundation for lifelong resilient, healthy relationships.
Joanna and Lara (Registered Psychologist and Child Mental Health Advocate) started Psyched About Kids (PAK) in 2016 because they are obsessed with human potential! PAK empowers parents with science-backed knowledge, strategies and tools to solve our most pressing parenting issues today and make life a little easier, along with ongoing support to implement the desired change. Small actions over time can have an unimaginable impact on child growth and development for lifelong health and wellness. Learn more at psychedaboutkids.com.
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