When tweens and teens start pulling away from parents, it’s a natural part of their age and stage of development. But, even when they withdraw, they need us more than ever. Young people depend on caring adults to meet their relational needs of love and safety.
As parents, it’s important to meet them where they’re at by evolving with them, by providing a safe place for them to land, by making them feel like they matter, by instilling a strong sense of belonging and by participating in shared experiences to foster connection. Understanding how to bridge differences between you and your child with empathy can go a long way towards supporting them to grow with confidence and can even deepen your relationship with them.
The tween years refer to the ages between eight and 12, and teens are between 13 and 19 years of age. Both are developmentally marked by increased self-awareness, independence, peer influence, identity formation, growth spurts, hormonal and body changes. Family dynamics, social media, school stress, and peer relations play major roles in both stages of development. The adolescent brain, which includes impulse control and decision-making, doesn’t fully mature until they’re in their mid-to late twenties. The emotional centre is in overdrive, and this affects their ability to emotionally self-regulate. This is a lot to go through, and it’s no wonder it’s such a challenging time for youth with all the cognitive, emotional, and physical changes they’re experiencing.
Parenting someone in these age groups comes with its own challenges, and misunderstandings can erupt from unpredictable mood swings, excessive screen time, and a push for independence while still needing guidance and limits. When there’s family conflict, acknowledging where you went wrong teaches your child how to repair a relationship and that it’s okay to make mistakes. They are looking for you to be their emotional anchor and for co-regulation, as your calm becomes their calm.
Strategies that can help with trying to hold on to the relationship you’ve built while letting them grow include making home a safe haven, so they do not try to seek this elsewhere. Even when you get curt responses or they seem emotionally distant and retreat to their rooms, keep showing up with warmth and genuine curiosity. This builds trust, and helps your child to want to turn to you when things get tough. Being consistent with maintaining routines, family traditions and cultural practices provides a steady place for them to land.
Use open-ended questions to ignite meaningful conversation: “What helps you feel motivated when you’re feeling overwhelmed?” Going for a drive or a walk can be helpful for your tween or teen to open up.
Being side-by-side creates low-pressure moments with no direct eye contact, and the distraction of scenery or music can make young people feel more comfortable sharing. Validate and acknowledge their emotions with empathy: “It sounds like you had a really hard day.
That’s a lot to deal with.” Watching a movie or listening to a podcast together, then discussing it after while practicing active listening will help your child to feel respected and heard.
Technology and digital devices can deepen relationships when bonding over video games or when your child teaches you the latest social media trends, but they can also reduce physical interaction and become a barrier to connecting in a meaningful way. Collaborating on creating family rules, such as no phones at dinner, daily screen limits, shared digital detoxes, and role modeling being off devices when you ask them to unplug, are ways to set boundaries while maintaining and building connection.
Creating shared experiences can help you stay close even when your child seems distant. Showing up for them in ways that make them feel significant can do wonders for strengthening the relationship, such as preparing their favorite food together, volunteering for a cause that’s important to them, and participating in shared hobbies. Other shared activities that can build attachment, trust, and encourage fun are baking
together and bringing it to a friend or a neighbor in need, playing sports, going on road trips, and doing a scrapbook or vision board to reflect on memories or dream up future goals.
Parenting tweens and teens isn’t about having all the right answers. It’s about being a consistent, loving presence through the chaos and the calm. It’s about letting them know that even if their belief in themselves wavers, that your belief in them never does. They may not always say it, but they still need you, and they always will.
Melanie is a Counsellor bilingual in English and French at Innerlogue Therapy & Psychology. Innerlogue Therapy & Psychology has two locations in Calgary – Kensington and Midnapore.
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