“Put your shoes on, please.”
“No.”
“We’re leaving now. I asked you already, so I’m going to help you.”
“I want to do it MYSELF!”
Sound familiar? What starts as a simple request has suddenly turned into a power struggle.
Voices rise, patience wears thin, and everyone feels frustrated. Moments like this happen daily in families with young children and often leave parents wondering if their child is being overly defiant or if they are handling the situation the wrong way.
While these moments are challenging, they are also incredibly common. In fact, power struggles are often a sign of healthy development, not poor behavior.
As children grow, they begin to realize they are separate individuals with their own thoughts, preferences, and ideas. They watch us navigate our days with ease, and their developing brains want the same level of autonomy and pride in a job done independently.
Young children are wired to seek independence, but they don’t have the skills to manage it smoothly. Their brains are still developing the ability to regulate emotions, handle frustration, and see another person’s perspective. When children say no or resist adult directions, they are often practicing independence and not trying to create conflict.
At the same time, adults are responsible for safety, routines, and boundaries. This is often where tensions begin to rise… children want control, and adults want to provide structure, while also maintaining control.
So, how do we manage this? Below are a few ways we can understand power struggles through a developmental lens and respond with more calm, connection, and confidence:
Reframing defiance vs. independence. Honestly, a child asserting independence and freewill can feel personal sometimes. It can feel like they are being purposefully defiant, and it becomes especially difficult when we are in a time crunch, like trying to get out the door. Take a deep breath and give yourself a moment to reframe: are they giving me a difficult time, or are they having a difficult time? Most often, if we reframe our thinking and use a strategy to positively re-engage them, we can end the power struggle and get back on track. So, keep reading!
Provide choices. Offering choices is one of the most effective ways to reduce power struggles. Choices give children a sense of control while still allowing adults to maintain boundaries. When children feel they have some say, they are often more willing to cooperate. Just remember, only give choices you are okay with! If they choose something and you change your mind, it will just make the power struggle worse. Be prepared with two valid options!
Include them. We all want to feel seen, valued and praised for our contributions. Often children seek power because they want to be a part of the group and feel proud of their work. Invite them to join you as a helper. Ask them to help with dishes after dinner, sweeping the entry by the front door or putting laundry into the washing machine. Praise their efforts and thank them for helping. The more they get to contribute positively, the less they will seek out ways to find power throughout daily routines.
Connection. Children are more likely to cooperate when they feel emotionally connected. In moments of power struggle, children are often dysregulated and not trying to control the adult. Try slowing down to connect. This can look like getting on their level, using their name, making eye contact, or offering a calm presence.
It’s also important to remember that connection doesn’t mean giving in. It means showing the child that the relationship is safe, even when limits are set. When children feel understood and supported, their need to push back often goes down.
Playfulness. Being playful is a powerful tool for reducing power struggles. Humor, imagination, and silliness help shift children out of a tense situation and back into engagement. For example, pretending shoes are racing to the door, using a silly voice, or turning cleanup into a game can make tasks feel less threatening and more collaborative. Playfulness works because it meets children where they are, learning and relating through play.
Next time you feel tested by your child, build some connection, dig out your playfulness, and offer up a few good choices. We promise it will make a difference. And as those neurons in their brain fire together to wire together, their need to seek power and control will lessen, and you’ll be pleased to find that supporting your young child’s quest for independence has led to a confident and capable youth.
Ashlee and Lisa are child psychologists who created KidsConnect Psychology as a place for children and families to access tools, supports,and therapy. Check out our website for digital downloads, parenting tool kits, information about our parent counselling, school consultations, daycare consultations and more! kidsconnectpsychology.com. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram at KidsConnect Psychology.
See our related articles:
Calgary’s Child Magazine © 2026 Calgary’s Child
