It is common for parents and caregivers to seek support from a mental health professional and get therapy when their child starts to act out. Challenges can sometimes arise when the child is young and is not listening to instructions, or can’t settle or make transitions; or, perhaps when the child is a teenager and engaged in risky behaviors, not going to school, or is anxious or depressed.
The parent and caregiver’s own childhood experiences can affect how they respond to their children at these times, which can make things even more complicated and negatively impact both child and parent. Parents may benefit from being engaged in their own individual therapy before these situations with their child arise and, perhaps, even before the child is born.
Therapy offers a way to alter learned patterns so that parents and caregivers are not doing or saying the things they learned from their parents. One way to explore the influence of our family of origin is by talking about attachment in therapy.
Attachment Theory was first proposed by John Bowlby and the theory describes the impact early interactions between parent and child have on the child. The underlying understanding in Attachment Theory is that infants and children are naturally wired to connect with their caregivers because they are dependent on the adults for survival, since they are weak and vulnerable. The relationship parents have with their child influences how the child perceives the world around them, their emotional development, and their relationships. Research in Attachment Theory has found that it is important for a parent to sensitively respond to their child’s needs so that they raise a secure child; a skill which many adults have not been taught in their own childhood.
It is because of the crucial role parents have in their child’s social and emotional development that I suggest that it is important for parents and caregivers to go to therapy. Parents can work with the therapist to clear up any past issues that inhibit their ability to be sensitive and responsive to their child. Parents can be knowingly or unknowingly triggered by what their child does or doesn’t do, which can lead to unhealthy parenting strategies.
As an example and to help illustrate what I mean, a parent that was highly criticized as a child for being not good enough may react strongly when their child shows similar behaviors when struggling to learn to do up a zipper. The parent may resort to unhealthy parenting techniques such as yelling, criticizing, or just doing it for the child. In this example, the parent is not able to tolerate the child’s struggle with learning a new skill because of their own history, therefore they resort to unhealthy parenting techniques that perpetuate their child’s sense of not being good enough or not being able to do hard things.
The therapist could work with this parent using Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) to help overcome their early experiences and negative belief of not being good enough so that they don’t have to keep replaying that dynamic in their own life and with their child. The outcome of therapy would be that the parent no longer believes they are not good enough, has the ability to sit with the child’s struggle, and encourages the child to persist. Ultimately, this can foster the child’s self-esteem and a belief in their abilities.
It is not always easy to see the connection to the past, but a trained therapist can help parents and caregivers make these connections so that they can take steps to help raise secure and confident children. A trained therapist can help parents work through events from the past which come up as their child grows, so that the parent can be sensitive and responsive to their child and provide a safe and secure space.
There are many different therapies available that explore attachment. One way to explore this is by seeing a trained EMDR therapist that uses an attachment-focused approach to work through negative beliefs from an individual’s past, including issues from the family of origin to trauma and PTSD. Just like a tree is influenced by the health of the roots, we are all influenced by our past. The benefit of doing therapy early in your child’s life is something a parent can do to manage their past, improve the present, and create a bright future for your child.
Disclaimer: This article is not to be considered advice or a clinical recommendation and represents my personal viewpoint.
Chantal is a Registered Psychologist in Calgary who is also an EMDRIA certified EMDR therapist. She can be found at ChantalRose.ca or call 825-993-ROSE.
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